12 Qualities to Look for in a Potential Mate

February 27, 2010

Let's face it, a Christian woman who is deeply devoted to submitting to the Lord in all areas of her life will look for a potential mate who is equally as devoted. The problem lies in what does that look like? What does it mean to be devoted to Christ? We all know that we should never date or marry someone who is not a believer, but does it just stop there? Does 2 Corinthians 6:14 stop at salvation or does it go beyond a simple statement of faith...

"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty. 2 Corinthians 6:14-18

In my personal experience, I have met many young men who profess Christ, yet live to please themselves, not our Savior. I personally fell short in this area before the Lord showed me my sin, but the issue remains...there are many young men who fall into the James 2:19 category: "You believe there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that - and shudder." So, how can you weed through the mass of professing Christian men when looking for a potential mate? To this end, I have dissected Titus 1:5-9 for the purpose of uncovering the essential traits in a godly man. Please consult Scripture for the Holy Spirit to speak to you about this passage. The six traits are as follows:

1. "An elder must be blameless, the husband of but one wife,

(Does he have a wandering eye? Is he committed to pursuing you alone, forsaking all others until your courtship either ends in marriage or separation? Does he struggle with pornography or lustful thoughts? I assume he does. If so, does he take the necessary steps to protect his mind and the purity of the woman in his life? Is he a man who you undoubtedly respect and can trust completely? How does he treat his mother and sister(s)? Does he have a servant's heart toward them or does he expect them to serve him?)

2. a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient.

(As a single man, are spiritually younger, male believers edified by having a relationship with him? Does he lead younger men in discipleship? Is he committed to being a leader in purity when it comes to younger men, holding himself and them accountable to God's Word?)

3. Since an overseer is entrusted with God's work, he must be blameless,

(Is he committed to purity and holiness? The natural conclusion from this passage is that all men are the spiritual leaders of the women in their life. Does he lead by example? Does he even know what the Word says in order to lead you?)

4. not overbearing,

(Does he lead in a way that makes you want to follow? Does he have a gentle, humble, understanding leadership style that makes others want to be around him? Is he enjoyable to be around in general? Does he lead with a kind spirit? Do spiritual mentors approve of him and his style of leadership over you?)

5. not quick-tempered,

(Is he quick to react when disrespected or offended? Is he quick to forgive? Does he hold grudges and allow situations to fester or does he resolved issues when they happen? Along the same lines, is he passive aggressive? Does he try to scoot arguments or conflict under the rug or does he deal with them appropriately and maturely? Is he committed to taking the log out of his own eye?)

6. not given to drunkenness,

(Does he pursue forms of altering his mood (not just alcohol)? Does he believe and agree with what the Bible states clearly about drunkenness? Does he attend parties where unbelievers or believers are drinking? Does he think lightly of being an unbiblical witness for Christ in front of unbelievers? This is an area where he needs to be following the Word. The other areas are subject to growth, but this is an area where you need to think very carefully about the habits he is cultivating, particularly in front of unbelievers.)

7. not violent,

(This is self-explanatory. Please do not date or consider marrying someone who has or is prone to violent tendencies.)

8. not pursuing dishonest gain.

(This part of the passage historically deals with individuals desiring to be pastors or elders for the purpose of gaining wealth or status. But, in practical terms, does he overemphasize wealth? Does he work to glorify God, support his family, and lead others in his work environment to Christ, or does he work to obtain wealth or status? Generally, does he store up treasures on earth or in heaven (See Luke 12:13-21 for the Parable of the Rich Fool)?

9. Rather, he must be hospitable,

(Does he treat strangers with respect and kindness? Does he make people feel welcome and comfortable? Is he genuinely interested in the needs of those around him or his own? Is he selfish with his things or willing to give his life and his things away? Does he have an attitude of appropriateness in any given situation, knowing when to hold his tongue in front of people? Does he know how to give you and others around him an appropriate compliment?)

10. one who loves what is good,

(Does he hate what is evil and love what is good? Does he care for the purity and holiness of those around him and gently reprove those of his friends who fall into sin? Does he care for the things of God and for the Kingdom while putting off the world and its lusts? Is he actively sharing the Gospel with those around him, seeking for others to be saved?)

11. who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined.

(This is important!!! Is he controlling the direction of the relationship physically, not allowing any sexual sin to enter the relationship until marriage? Does he protect your heart and your walk with the Lord by protecting you from sin? Is he in control of his passions? Is he disciplined with being in the Word? Does he have a clean and disciplined house and lifestyle? Is he disciplined with his work? Food? Health? The list goes on and on. Does he watch inappropriate movies? Is he sound in speech? (Note: Since the mouth speaks out of the abundance of the heart, if he never talks about spiritual things, guess what is not in his heart...) Is he late to things? Is he pursuing you with open intentions?)

12. He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught,

so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it." (Does he know sound doctrine to be able to teach you? Girls, this starts with YOU! You must know sound doctrine to know if he knows it. Is he growing in the grace and knowledge of Christ? Is he actively seeking guidance from spiritual leaders? Does he properly understand the roles of men and women and the symbolism of marriage? Has he learned to be a Bride (meaning does he actively submit to Christ's authority and headship in his life)? Does he have men in his life who actively keep him accountable and does he continually seek their counsel? IS HE TEACHABLE? Girls, if you find a teachable, godly man, don't look back. Can he, with gentleness, refute error? Does he even know when he is being confronted with heresy? Again, this begins with you, girls.

WOW! I know that is a lot. The man of God's choosing will be fostering these qualities. No one will ever master all these qualities, but he should be actively pursuing them in his life. Now, I am not saying that we should nit pick every inch of your guy and dump him if he doesn't have all the qualities (except for number 1), but I am saying that you should know what to look for. After all, we all fall short. That is why we desperately need Christ. However, if he is not continually looking more and more like Christ throughout your relationship, you should pray about walking away from the relationship.

Along the same lines, as the woman in the relationship, we should be actively pursing Christ-likeness in these areas. There are other passages which are designed for women that I will discuss in future posts, but this is a great start.

Have a beautiful evening ladies!

xoxo,

Ashley